know when

I started out wanting to say something about how important it is not to hold back.

But before I got the words out, my mind took a spin back in time, dragging me along for the ride and before I know it —

I’m holding a fistful of caveats —

Caveats changed the title of this piece from “give it your all” to “know when.”  And maybe that’s all I need to say.

Or not.

Because now that I can’t get that Kenny Rogers song outta my head, I’m seeing the cards in a slightly different way. 

You see, my original thought was that there’s a missing ingredient in most failed projects or relationships that makes ‘em cake flops.

And that missing ingredient is — uh — for lack of a better word — ooomph!  The human equivalent of yeast. 

Someone is playing it safe.  Giving less hours or energy because they don’t want to invest more than they think they’re gonna get outta the deal — or sitting on the sidelines waiting for a sign that this is “IT”— the opportunity they’ve been saving their best for —

And meanwhile the deal is progressing less than it coulda because it’s a few ooomphs short.  Upshot is nobody wins big and the biggest loser is the one who held back.

But then.

I had to look back.  And that’s when Kenny started to sing in my ear.  Yeah, I know I went for broke and that’s what I got.  Go away Kenny.

And ok maybe there’s something to knowin’ when to hold.  I hear you.

But honestly, I’ve been holdin’ and hesitating and watching other people win by playing worse cards than I got in my hand for long enough.  And since I’ve never been into foldin’ —

Maybe it’s time —

Yeah, I think it’s time.

let me explain

I need You to love me.

Why, why are You still here with me?

Didn’t You see what I’ve done?

In my shame I want to run and hide myself

But it’s here I see the truth

I don’t deserve You.

But I need You to love me, and I

won’t keep my heart from You, this time

And I’ll stop my pretending — that I can

somehow deserve what I already have

I need You to love me.

I, I have wasted so much time

pushing You away from me

I just never saw — how You could cherish me

Cause You’re a God who has all things

and still You want me

Your love makes me forget who I have been

Your love makes me see who I really am

Your love makes me forget who I have been —

(Barlow Girl)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7eASyNtUEYE

 

elephant in the room

I fix my gaze on a cascade of late season vines and flowers that have never looked more beautiful.

Back lit through the haze by scanty rays, the greens make me feel with my eyes.  The shots of fuchsia that took up more than half the frame last time I looked are sparingly applied.  A party of three  in various states of bloom.  I am captivated by their endurance.  Comforted by their patience.

My heart is heavy this morning.

I am behind the clouds.

Being the elephant in the room is not new to me, but it’s never felt so uncomfortable.  Why?

Is it my elapsed time on earth?  My collective experience?  The times we live in?

C’mon.

It’s deeper.  Harder to admit —

Because — truth is it takes more courage than I possess to be the elephant in the room right now — and my heart is heavy because I am disappointed in myself. 

In my silence.

I get that it’s always easier to speak your own truth in a room filled with people you know will affirm it.  I get that fear of persecution and rejection are strong motivators of behavior. 

But ultimately these are just good excuses for letting fear define how you show up in life.  And that’s no longer acceptable to me.

So I’ll start by writing it. 

And with grace, I’ll begin to speak it.

Because after all, it’s just a matter of perspective. 

And we need more than one to create interest and balance — and yes, ignite passion — in our lives together on this planet.